Trying not to get caught up in him
I gently pull away
Then I feel a quick tug
I'm wrapped up in him again
But this can't be
It feels unreal
It's good
Too damn good
I gently pull away
Then I feel a quick tug
This time it's stronger
Harder for me
He allows space for me to be me
Until that space becomes distant
As I gently tried to pull away
I feel a quick tug
On my heart strings
They become tangled
I can't pull away anymore
I'm wrapped tight in him
He provides security
Over my insecurities
I want to stay here
No more pulling away
Yo-yoing his feelings
This feels good
I want to stay here
And just embrace the moments
I wrote this poem a while back. At the time, I became aware of my actions being similar to a yo-yo moving in a "back and forth" as I was getting to know someone new. I did this because I was afraid of being vulnerable and possibly being rejected. I would push this person away to see if he would keep coming back. And, that was my "weird" way of testing him to see if he really wanted to get to know me. There were a few times, I would blame him for not meeting my unrealistic expectations that I had of him. Those expectations were unknown to him.
Recently, I learned that my actions were a past trauma response called the yo-yo effect. This happens when you have thoughts of being rejected if you get too close to someone by being vulnerable or intimate with them. For some people in relationships, the yo-yo effect could be their way of feeling that there is someone out there better than the person they are in the relationship with, which causes them to break up with that person, then get back together with them several times. For me, I was so afraid of being rejected that I didn't trust myself, my decisions, or love.
Accountability
In my singleness, I'm learning to take accountability for my actions. Accountability requires a lot of self reflection. It also requires some level of vulnerability to be able to communicate effectively.
Consistency
In my singleness, I'm learning to be consistent with spending time with God. That helps me to be more consistent with myself, then I can be consistent with others.
Healing
In my singleness, I'm learning that healing and growing is an ongoing process. There was a time I thought I was healed from all of my past trauma. But, there were only certain parts of me that were healed. When meeting and getting to know new people, they can unknowingly reveal parts of yourself that are not completely healed. Healing is a process of learning and growing.
So, as I continue to learn, heal, and grow, I'm going to continue to strive to be better than my yesterdays!
Sincerely Eliza❤️
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